For Our Sanity

So, I know I've made a break up post before but I feel like this one in the end is more important. I was not with this person very long; 4 months. But they were 4 beautiful months. It was mostly over the summer so we spent practically everyday together and were madly in love. We fought every now and then but all couples do. And I've said before fighting is good. Well things started to go to shit when school started. She started to blow me off for her friends. I wouldn't hear from her until about 10 every night. At that point I would either go see her or she would come see me and we would spend the night together. I wasn't happy with the system but I thought it would be better than never seeing her and having to give up our relationship completely. Well, about a week into school I was really sick. Like in and out of the hospital sick. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. A genetic intestinal disease. Well during that week she was really good about stopping by and checking on me. She took great care of me when I needed it. And I was so grateful to have her. So then the Friday of that week I get a text. It read "Hey don't get mad but I'm playing spin the bottle." I let it go at the time; but it's going to play back into our story. So the following week I don't hear much from her, I'm back in school, I had figured we were both just really busy. Well Wednesday I was hanging out with one of our mutual friends. We were having a good time and we invited my girlfriend to come hang out. She showed up with one of her other friends then left within 20 minutes with a shitty attitude. That night she text me and said she was questioning our relationship because we never saw each other. Truth be told I was questioning it too. But I was willing to fight for it and make it work if at all possible. Well later that night she had me come over and we hung out and I stayed the night like I always did. No big deal. We talked about our relationship and she said she wanted to be with me cause she was happy she just was struggling with it. I was too. And in all reality it was our fault because we were around each other 24/7 during the summer; we didn't know how to be apart. So I went home that morning and everything appeared normal. Well at 8:39 I get a text from her. This is the first time all year she bothered to text me at school. Well when I opened it up I was devastated. She had text me and asked if we could take a break. Then when I told her if that is what would make her happy she told me this. "It's not about my happiness. It's the fact that we never see each other. Plus someone I love just came out and there might be a shot. I still love you but I don't know what I want right now." So to me I took that as she wanted someone else and she was done with me. So instead of just taking a break I decided we should just be broken up. But she text me "I didn't leave you for someone else. I left for our sanity." I'll let you guys decide for yourselves but I don't believe her. And I will never forget that sentence as long as I live. So wee go through the weekend. We talked a couple times as friends but really neither of us were ready for just friends so the conversations were short. Monday all my love and trust that was still intact was completely destroyed. So her ex-girlfriend, one of my really good friends came up to me and was like "I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want to you to hate me but I feel like you deserve to know this. She cheated." She then proceeded to tell me how my girlfriend had started the game of spin the bottle on her own even when everyone told her not to because she had a girlfriend. And how she got really into it and tried forcing her ex to make out with her when she didn't want to. I trust this girl when she says she pushed my girlfriend off and wanted nothing to do with it. I told her I wasn't mad at her and I appreciated the fact that she had the love and respect to tell me. So then I text my girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend and asked her about it. She admitted to most of it. But got mad at me because I already knew about the game. I only knew she played it. I didn't know what the outcome was or who she had played with. So then I was like what happened with your ex that night? And she responded "What about her? I was just going around asking people wanna make out wanna make out? Which was like ----- and ------- and ----. Then spin the bottle was played." As if that makes it OK! She flat out just admitted to cheating and thought I would be cool with it! But the story gets every better. So that night she text me around 11:30 and was like "Will you come over? I need one final goodbye and to apologize." So I went over around 12. And she apologized and we agreed to be friends. She had asked me if we could be a couple again and I told her I didn't think I could trust her enough. I want her back but I didn't want to get hurt again. So we agreed just friends was the best option. But then we kissed and all signals got mixed. She wanted me to stay the night with her one last time and I being caught up in the moment agreed. But I couldn't sleep. Something just felt wrong. I was going to leave but I couldn't find my phone. I knew I had an alarm set for 2 so I could go home so I waited for that. But I wanted to know how long I needed to wait so I grabbed her phone to check the time. 1:50. Ten minutes I could handle that. But then I got curious. So I checked her texts to see if she had already moved on or what. There was one text that made me realize it was a good thing I told her no to getting back together. There was a series of texts to an unsaved number in her phone. "Hey sexy." "You're on my to-do list" And the last one killed me. "Baby I love you and I hope that it isn't weird. It's just natural. You need to kiss me more often because I never wanted to stop." And all I could think is half an hour ago she kissed me and was saying she loved me and was going to miss me. 1:55. For five minutes I had to sit in her room hating being that close to someone who had so thoroughly broken my heart. My alarm went off. My phone had fallen out of my pocket and ended up under her leg. I grabbed it and ran out of her house not caring how much noise I made. She had just betrayed me beyond words. If she even thinks we are ever getting back together she is dead wrong. I will never be able to trust her again. SO I text her when I got home and was like "Thanks for that. I finally got the closure I needed. Glad we're just friends. Have a nice life stay safe don't do anything too stupid. Goodbye." And now I have no intention of ever talking to her again. I have a box full of her things that I'm going to leave either in her car or on her front door step one of these days. And tonight when i go home I'm going to burn all of our pictures. I don't even want the memories. And the funny thing is, I'm not even sad anymore. I just want her out of my life because I have no trust or respect anymore. My horoscope was very insightful for this exact event today. It said "Constant analysis of a bridge's suspension cables makes it much more difficult to cross. Looking across--not down and behind--makes a more successful journey. Opening up old wounds adds to the pain and creates a big mess. Today, stop dwelling on the past and focus on the brighter future that lies ahead. Take one step in a new direction, even if it's a baby step." So that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to let go of this relationship and move forward towards my own happiness. No need to stay focused on something that makes me so unhappy.
Love,
Chelsi Wilson

It Gets Better

Hey! So, I've been meaning to make this post for awhile. It's my "It Gets Better" post. :) Most people do there's in a form of a video but I decided to just stick too blogging. Seems to work out better for me. So here is my life as an LGBT and my coming out experience. I came out as Bi the last week of May 2012. I had been dating my girlfriend of the time for only about a week. This was the first girl I had dated. Some people would say "Why come out then?" Well my mom and I have a very close relationship and I did not like having the secret between us. I told her through text. Not my best move ever but I had been so scared to tell her in general that I didn't think I would have been able to speak the words. Well here's some background on my family. Generations upon generations of hard core Christians. They believe homosexuality is a sin and anyone who is LGBT should be damned to hell. SO you can imagine how that conversation went between my mother and I. I actually ended up getting locked out of my house for two hours. And when she let me back in I grabbed a sweatshirt and went and sat in a park til midnight. I then did not hear one word from my mother for a week. This was really hard on me because all I had wanted was acceptance from the one person I thought would love me unconditionally and now she wouldn't even talk to me. So that week came and went and I was at school and my phone goes off. My mom had text me and pretty much said that even though she didn't agree with my choices and what I wanted to do with my life she was going to love me anyways. And that was all I had ever hoped for. Over the next 4 months of that girl and I dating my mom struggled with the thought of it. She mostly just refered to her as a friend and nothing more. I could be ok with that if that's what helped her sleep at night. My other family members were all pretty understanding. Except for my Aunt. She is still (Even now that I'm single) Convinced I am a full lesbian and going to hell. So in some senses it's always going to be a struggle. But you have to remember you can't control how people think and what they believe. SO school and friends was another interesting coming out experience. I was very open immediately with all of them. I was in love with a girl. So what. I had nothing to hide. I'm Bi And Proud Baby. But again there are those people that see it as an awful thing. I had a lot of very nasty names thrown my way. Most people can imagine what it might be. "Dike" was the worst. It hurt a lot. What angered me the most is my best friend starting getting harassed just for hanging out with me. People would often associate her as "My lesbian lover" and make fun of her too. When in all reality she is the straightest girl you will ever meet. SO summer came and the harassment at least died done. Wasn't in my immediate life. I surrounded myself with accepting and loving people and had no problems. Well then fair came. In the small town I live in Fair is a big deal so everyone is there. I had been dreading that fact all week because I knew the harassers would be there. But I went anyways. No way were they going to ruin my fun. It actually went pretty well. Except there was one day I was there that I ran into the exact people I was trying to avoid. One kid looked up and was like "Look who is it" while the other one proceeded to spit at me. It hurt but I moved on. Now we are back in school and I see these kids everyday and they have not said anything. I don't know if they decided it wasn't that big of a deal or I just wasn't worth their time but either way it gets better. My biggest suggestion for all you LGBTQ kids out there wanting to come out or who have already came out. Be proud of who you are. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you no matter what because it's really important to have that support. People aren't always going to like who you are. But just know I haven't even met you yet and I love you. Because us LGBT kids are a family and we need to stick together. :)
Love!
Chelsi

True Love Is Mean

So, I've noticed something now that I have found the love of my life. When you love someone you will push them as far as you think you can. I can't tell you why we do that but it's naturally like programmed into all of us. Take family for instance. Whether you want to admit it or not you love your siblings. But I can also promise you that you were a complete jerk to them growing up. I had two brothers and I made it my point to irritate them as much as humanly possible. You'll do the same to your parents. They tell you to be home at 9, you're sneaking in the door at 9:15. You'll lie right to there face and on the rare ocassion you will tell them you hate them. Well. when you find your one true love nothing will change. You will push them to their limits, you will fight, call each other names, and do whatever it takes to make each other jealous. It's horrible, I know. Makes you wonder why we would even be together. Well here's why you stay together. Because it is in fact true love. And true love conquers all. My girlfriend and I go at it like nobodies business. We fight and half the time I swear she hates me. But the thing is; we can go from fighting and screaming at each other one second to being completely in love the next. I know it doesn't sound healthy. Hell it probably isn't. But I'm a firm believer that if you hold those things in you're just going to end up resenting the one your with. Be vocal in your relationships. Yeah, sometimes its going to be harsh. And sometimes you guys aren't going to like each other as much. It's getting past that and getting back to the love that makes it all worth it. After a fight my girlfriend and I always seem to be that much closer.This is because we got rid of all the bad so we have more room for the good. Now I'm not saying you should be calling your girlfriend/boyfriend an ass hole or a bitch all the time. That's counter productive and a sure-fire way to end a relationship. But you do need to make yourself heard. Get your opinion out there. It's almost a promise that they won't like your opinion sometimes. In fact they may think your the dumbest person alive. What matters is you got heard. And in the end you will be a better couple for it. So fight it out. Be mean to one another. Just remember you love the person. The fighting will only be worth it if you can come back to square one and the reason why you fight in the first place. LOVE.
Love,
Chelsi Wilson